ANTIOCH COLLEGE DEGREE RETRACTED

Yellow Springs, Ohio-

In a solemn moment, reminiscent of the ceremony in which epaulets are torn from a dishonored military officer, or in which an errant priest is publicly defrocked, Antioch College excommunicated one of its own. 

"Bad enough that he missed the Anti-Globalization riots in Seattle, but this is going too far", said the College PC Monitor, Joseph "Tokin' Joe" Potsmoker, referring to a recent contract to create war games for the US Navy.

Adorned in natty dreadlocks and festooned with Peace Now and Question Authority buttons, the Dean of Alumni Affairs was sent to Atlanta Georgia with a pair of scissors. Her mission: to repossess Jacobson's diploma and cut off his long hippy hair. 

Neither could be found.

The Evidence

NEWS HOAX REVEALED

 
In a sweeping sting operation, the editors of the original "JacobSUN" family newsletter unraveled the infamous and illicit "not the JacobSUN" syndicate of plagiarizing bastards.  The bust was made today, when the originator and holder of the copyright on "JacobSUN", Peter Jacobson, marshaled federal and state authorities to assist with the crackdown.  When asked how he had solved the mystery, Mr. Jacobson stated "The thing that really got me going on the right trail were the words 'not the' in front of the title of the newsletter." When asked for further comment, Jacobson was heard to say "First my brother was pretending to be me, then my son...who's next?!?  Will this madness never end?".

The owners of "not the JacobSUN" are being sued for a reported sum of $1.3 tens, but could not be reached for comment.  They are believed to be hunkered down in their southeast Georgian stronghold, although authorities have not been able to pinpoint their exact location.

 

House Bows,
Vows Wow Crowd

Houston-  June 3

Pulling off a triple crown coup, Stephanie nee Jacobson managed to land a new job, a new house and new husband all at the same time.

Flush with this victory, she was heard to say that "Two of the three are keepers, for sure." The Las Vegas line gives 5:1 odds in favor of  [continued..]

Fam Spam for Sam

Atlanta-  June 3

"So simple that a preschooler [sic] can send junk mail to his entire family" is how webmaster "DJ" describes the latest addition to  Jacobson.net.

The preschooler ( firstgrader [Ed] ) need only click on a single button. Or, in the words of the once-hirsute webmaster: " fire off an email to all@jacobson.net"

According to an untested theory, it is easy to subscribe to or unsubscribe from this list.

Sister's Bitter Glitter has all A-twitter 

Dateline:  Houston -Dec 3
In the interest in keeping with the seasonal celebrations, Tovah has decorated her mouth with glitz and glitter.  When asked how long she planned on maintaining this festive look, her parents responded for her,  indicating a minimum of 2 years.  Tovah plans to speak for herself once the pain goes away.

 

News Hole Discovered

Dresher-  June 3

Out of print periodical the Jacob-Sun is ready to make its transition to an internet-only publication.

Famed amateur investor Peter  Jacobson explains his Johnny-Come-Lately move to the e-content space.

"It has less to do with dot-com potential" says the yet-full-headed publisher, "and more to do with getting my brother to stop pretending to be me!"

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