In a solemn moment, reminiscent of the ceremony in which
epaulets are torn from a dishonored military officer, or in which an errant priest is publicly defrocked, Antioch College
excommunicated one of its own.
"Bad enough that he missed the
Anti-Globalization riots in Seattle, but this is going too
far", said the College PC Monitor, Joseph "Tokin'
Joe" Potsmoker, referring to a recent contract to
create war games for the US Navy.
Adorned in natty dreadlocks and festooned with
Peace Now and Question Authority buttons, the Dean of Alumni Affairs
was sent to Atlanta Georgia with a pair of scissors. Her mission: to
repossess Jacobson's diploma and cut off his long hippy hair.
Neither could be found.
In a sweeping sting operation, the
editors of the original "JacobSUN" family newsletter
unraveled the infamous and illicit "not the JacobSUN"
syndicate of plagiarizing bastards. The bust was made
today, when the originator and holder of the copyright on "JacobSUN",
Peter Jacobson, marshaled federal and state authorities to
assist with the crackdown. When asked how he had solved
the mystery, Mr. Jacobson stated "The thing that really got
me going on the right trail were the words 'not the' in front of
the title of the newsletter." When asked for further
comment, Jacobson was heard to say "First my brother was
pretending to be me, then my son...who's next?!? Will this
madness never end?".
The owners of "not the
JacobSUN" are being sued for a reported sum of $1.3 tens,
but could not be reached for comment. They are believed to
be hunkered down in their southeast Georgian
stronghold, although authorities have not been able to pinpoint
their exact location.
Vows Wow Crowd
Pulling off a triple crown
coup, Stephanie nee Jacobson managed to land a new job, a new
house and new husband all at the same time.
Flush with this victory, she
was heard to say that "Two of the three are keepers, for
sure." The Las Vegas line gives 5:1 odds in favor of
Fam Spam for Sam
"So simple that a
preschooler [sic] can send junk mail to his entire family" is how
webmaster "DJ" describes the latest addition to
The preschooler ( firstgrader
[Ed] ) need only
click on a single button. Or, in the words of the once-hirsute
webmaster: " fire off an email to email@example.com"
According to an untested
theory, it is easy to subscribe to or unsubscribe from this list.
Glitter has all A-twitter
Dateline: Houston -Dec 3
In the interest in keeping with the seasonal celebrations, Tovah
has decorated her mouth with glitz and glitter. When asked
how long she planned on maintaining this festive look, her parents
responded for her, indicating a minimum of 2 years.
Tovah plans to speak for herself once the pain goes away.
Out of print periodical
the Jacob-Sun is ready to make its transition to an
Famed amateur investor
Peter Jacobson explains his Johnny-Come-Lately move to the
"It has less to do with
dot-com potential" says the yet-full-headed publisher,
"and more to do with getting my brother to stop pretending to